I can't sleep those nights. I try to but everytime I try to lay down in bed I start to remember again what I so much try to forget and never see and feel again. I sit there shaking with sweaty skin and don't know what to do anymore. Last year I was so much better and I don't know why this year is so bad again. I only wish that those images, the sounds, the smell and the feelings woulf just go away. There are ways to make them stop... but... Everytime I think in this direction seeing my old friend again, I somehow remember that I've been there before and that there was a reason to turn my back on him. I don't know why and I want to embrace him so badly those night, but for some reason I chose to not do this... I only hope that can remember all those nighty what I chose... even if I don't know why I chose to still live.