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 Wednesday, September 20. 2006
08:09
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Well.. things are only slowly normalizing here. I am not feeling well at all. Maybe it is because there are a lot of other problems on my shoulders these days.
The sad thing is, that some of my friends where I hoped for some bit of support simply ignored things compleately and left me alone. But on the other hand, there were new friends and so much sympathy and kindness that I never expected to come from these directions. I have no idea why or how I earned such warmth and friendship to be directed towards me. But I am so very thankful for their help, support and kind words. I am afraied, tho. I don't know exactly why.. maybe It is because I've been let down so very often and treated so badly by those I thought were friends, that I have to learn to trust friends... real friends again. But then there is this voice inside my head, asking - who is a friend.
Anyway... I don't want to sound nagging or whining. I just wanted to thank those kind voices and souls who thought of me and found the time to say some kind words who helped more then they might realize. Thank you.
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Posted by FinFarenath
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 Wednesday, September 13. 2006
08:16
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| It's been very rougth few days and I slowly start to get up again and try to pull myself up somehow. The sad thing is, that it might just happen by burrying all the memories deep down inside of me again - which I know will surface one day compleately. But I have not the strength, time or abilities to face them these days. i already have too much of problems on my way and am even unable to face them compleately. it all is slowly eating me up.
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Posted by FinFarenath
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 Monday, September 11. 2006
22:19
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| Is it pain?... I don't know. The reason why I write those thougths here might be that I just need a medium to write it down.. to get it out. I sepnt the day in the mountain sitting on my ledge watching the day go by. The day was a beautiful one, concerning the weather. But it was a very painful and lonely day. I crave for the warm body and the comfort of Ids again. I so much miss those who were so close to me and are gone now. Noone of my family is left. I am weak.. I lost strength and the will to continue the current path. I have walked so far from where I wanted to go back then about 6-7 years ago when everything started to spiral down. I am stuck in a situation where I see no way out again and feel that I am unable to last this way much longer... I feel lost.
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Posted by FinFarenath
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Monday, September 11. 2006
00:27
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How can one ever try to overcome the pain the feelings of...
I even still now have not the words to describe the feelings that haunt me nearly everyday still. After five years after this happened I still can't grasp... I have suppressed so much of it but it still is surfacing so often. It is becoming worse it seems. It was the feeling of not knowing that eate me up. Not knowing if she still was alive or not. Working over the flight where the plane hit she had no chance to go down to safety. I still see the images... I still feel and try to understand how she must have felt... alone... panicked or not... it is the not knowing what... So many peaople repeat that most of them jumped... What drives a person to prefer jumping to your death insterad of staying... what horrors have there beein inside up there that made her jump or not. I don't even know... But the possibility that she could have makes me sick. It makes me feel like a lost something... Like i lost something far deeper and more important... deep inside my soul. I lost not only my fiance and our unborn child that day... I lost a lot of myself. One usualy doesn't see it surface. It is burried deep inside my beeing. But you can, if you look closely see the signs surfacing.. You can see it in my eyes.. see it in reactions of things one usualy would not even think about where I act differently. Last year I was relatively good.. but.. this year, for a reason I don't really understand or can grasp, I am a lot worse. Maybe it is because I try to work things up and try to remember. I suppressed all those images.. the images and feeling after I was there.. the images, feelings sounds and smell there. The look i her brothers eyes when she saw me and I felt that she understood what I also must mean for me. I burried everything so deep inside me to keep sane... but I feel that it starts surfacing.
I need to work those things - I need to remember and try to put the puzzle pieaces back togeter to ba able to control them. I have no control over those emotions anymore.... they are breaking loose. There are days when I can talk about the loss of my love and the loss of our future and there are days, when a tiny thing reminds me and I compleately break down. What I need is freinds... but how can they help me when tehy don't know. When the only thing they can see is the results of strange behaviour.. when they can't understand what is able to change someone so profoundly. I am weakening.. I feel it. I am not string anymore and can't do all this alone. I need arms where I can let myself fall into and trust... but I am also afraied that I might loose them again and so I continue to push them away while inside crying for their proximity and longing for them to be near. I hope some of them will read this what I can't say to them in their face and tell them personaly. Where I am too scared that when I tell them, I will break down when everything is coming back to me and I need their support... and fear that they will let me fall then. I... don't know what to do anymore...
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Posted by FinFarenath
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Friday, September 8. 2006
23:57
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| I can't sleep those nights. I try to but everytime I try to lay down in bed I start to remember again what I so much try to forget and never see and feel again. I sit there shaking with sweaty skin and don't know what to do anymore. Last year I was so much better and I don't know why this year is so bad again. I only wish that those images, the sounds, the smell and the feelings woulf just go away. There are ways to make them stop... but... Everytime I think in this direction seeing my old friend again, I somehow remember that I've been there before and that there was a reason to turn my back on him. I don't know why and I want to embrace him so badly those night, but for some reason I chose to not do this... I only hope that can remember all those nighty what I chose... even if I don't know why I chose to still live.
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Posted by FinFarenath
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